Why do we use the words “brutal” and “honest” together?
If we examine the definitions, brutal means “savagely violent,” and honest means “morally correct.” Interesting, right? How two very different things are associated so closely together.
In our society, the term “brutally honest” is often accepted as a positive quality. Take a second to pause and think about your dealings with someone who is “brutally honest.” Is it really a good thing?
The Brutally Honest Conundrum
When someone declares themselves “brutally honest,” they get an easy out. By adding the word “honest” after “brutal,” they are informing you that they are about to hurt you, but that you should not experience any hurt because they’re just being honest. That is a twist that’s not only confusing and unfair, but it’s also likely to make you feel that you’re wrong for experiencing the hurt. That’s gaslighting.
It’s the equivalent of phrases like these:
- Not to be rude, but…
- No offense, but…
- You wanted my opinion, so you can’t be upset.
And when these phrases are spoken, the person gets an unfair opportunity to say what they think or feel without taking the time to formulate their message in a more thoughtful way.
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- “Interesting fabric; I don’t know how you can wear that,” Stacy says to her friend Jen.
- “You always have stories that drag on and on,” Steve says to his wife.
- “I can tell you’ve been eating a lot of carbs lately,” Natalia’s mother tells her.
The brutally honest are unfiltered. We know exactly what they’re thinking as they’re thinking it. While sometimes it can be nice to not have to guess what someone is thinking, most times we don’t need to hear each and every thought the people around us have.
The receiver of the brutally honest message is left dealing with the hard “truth” alone because the curt way it’s delivered does not offer a safe space to keep the conversation going.
What if there’s a way around this? What if there’s a way to deliver an honest message without causing more damage and hurt? Luckily enough, there is. It’s “truth with compassion.”
Truth With Compassion
Truth with compassion involves expressing your truth with the intention of promoting awareness rather than hurt. When a message is perceived as hurtful, the person you’re attempting to communicate with is more likely to shut down or go on the defensive. Basically, brutal honesty shuts down communication. Truth with compassion encourages communication.
Here’s how to do it:
1. Stop and think about the message you want to communicate. Understand what you want to express before vocalizing it.
2. Reflect upon who you are communicating with. What is their personality like? Do they have certain sensitivities? How can you express yourself in a way that they will hear you?
3. Pick the best time and place to communicate the words you’ve decided are most effective.
The Uc Moment : Timing , Constructiveness and What is your intention?
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